Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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