There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
