6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
