It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
