note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
