never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
