I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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