I faked an abortion last night.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
