I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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