Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
