Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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