so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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