I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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