My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
