wake up i wanna do it froggy style
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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