Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
They are going to name an STD after you.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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