i wish my penis had a tongue
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
