benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
