One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
