Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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