Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
