why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
