It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
