Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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