I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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