Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
