Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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