Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
