What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I didn't notice because vodka
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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