does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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