Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
my poor anus
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
