All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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