How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
