Ketchup is God's man juice
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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