all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
