dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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