Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
