i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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