I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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