dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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