It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
