Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
