My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
