It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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