Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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