It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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