Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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