good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
