The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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