Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
