in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
now i know why i became what i already was.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
